


A Very Lannister Evening

by Miss_M



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drunkenness, F/M, Family, Phone Calls & Telephones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-22 19:38:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4847852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_M/pseuds/Miss_M
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brienne makes a panicked phone call to Jaime when Tywin crashes their party.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Very Lannister Evening

**Author's Note:**

> Lannister crack all the way. I own nothing.

“Hello?”

“Jaime? Jaime, can you hear me?”

“Brienne? Listen, I didn’t think this bloody contract would take so long, I should be home in half an hour. Don’t let Tyrion drink too much before I get there.”

“He’s gone, Jaime.”

“Gone where? I hope you won’t say, ‘to get more wine.’ I bought an extra bottle just for him.”

“No, he’s gone, he left, he said his goodnights and kissed my hand and left after your father got here and he’s not himself and I don’t know what to do Jaime can you please come home right away? Please?”

“My father? Brienne, Brienne, Brienne! Slow down and explain.”

“He just showed up. I swear I didn’t invite him, I suspect Tyrion didn’t either.” 

“On his birthday, when father tends to get drunk and maudlin over Mother’s death, and so Tyrion has never liked to make a big deal out of his birthdays? No, we can safely assume Tyrion wouldn’t invite Tywin, after you begged him to come over for a quiet dinner.”

“You never said he gets drunk on Tyrion’s birthday! You could have said! … I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be shouting at you. I’ve never seen your father drunk before. I didn’t think he drank.”

“Normally he’s as abstemious as you. Tyrion’s birthdays are a special occasion.”

“He stank of whiskey and started berating Tyrion as soon as he barged in, so Tyrion kissed my hand and thanked me for inviting him to dinner and left. Why did he do that, Jaime?”

“I should imagine kissing your hand was easier for him than climbing on top of our dining table so he could kiss your cheek. Though there was that one time Tyrion did somersaults the length of the buffet table at one of father’s business parties…”

“That’s not what I meant! Please be serious. Why did Tyrion leave? I know it was unpleasant for him, but now I’m all alone with your father.”

“So? You know by now Tywin’s all bark when it comes to you. Make small talk, give him water and some food, and I’ll drive him home as soon as I get there. Half an hour, tops.”

“Can you please, please come sooner? I just… Idon’twanttotbealonewithhim.”

“Brienne? What’s happened? Has Tywin said something to you?” 

“…”

“Brienne. What has he said?”

“He said in certain lights I resemble Joanna.”

“… Can you repeat that?”

“He said sometimes I remind him of Joanna! In the candlelight, I put candles on the table, I knew Tyrion wouldn’t want candles on his cake but it looks nice, Tywin said in candlelight I resemble Joanna, sometimes, when I turn my head a certain way.”

“…”

“I don’t look like your dead mother, Jaime! I’ve seen pictures.”

“Rest assured you don’t look much like her even when she was alive.”

“I don’t turn my head a certain way! I don’t know why your father is saying these things. He’s really drunk and he keeps _looking_ at me…”

“All right, I am getting my coat and I am coming home right away. Is Tywin in the room with you?”

“No, I locked myself in the bathroom. I hope he didn’t hear me just now, there’s a bit of an echo with the door closed…”

“Brienne, if he heard you, it’s the least he deserves, provided he still has the capacity for embarrassment.” 

“He isn’t usually like this. It must be the drink talking. It’s just really uncomfortable being around him right now…”

“Brienne, don’t you dare apologize because my father’s late-onset lechery has made you lock yourself in your own bathroom. He’s not worthy of the excuses you’re making for him.”

“I’ll stay here another minute or two. I can always lock myself in again. I don’t want to let him drive or leave him alone for too long, but I’m scared I might hurt him if he… tries anything. He’s old.”

“If he tries to touch you, we’ll say he tripped and broke his own arm. I’d be tempted to do it for him if you don’t do it first.”

“Jaime, you don’t mean that.”

“Oh but I do. Tywin and I are going to have serious words about this once he sobers up.”

“He’ll only deny or downplay it. Honestly, Jaime, nothing happened.”

“Brienne, you’re doing it again. He invaded our home, drove away Tyrion, who was invited, and then he made you run for cover. I didn’t say anything when he insulted you on first meeting you, and the gods know I didn’t stand up for Tyrion nearly enough when we were growing up. Tywin will pay for this. Just hold on, I’m about to get in my car. I’ll be there in ten minutes, less if I have luck at stop lights.” 

“Don’t run through any stop signs!”

“I won’t, calm down. Brienne, I apologize on my entire blighted family’s behalf that my father’s such a colossal asshat. … You’re laughing.”

“I can’t help it!”

“I wasn’t scolding. It’s good to hear you laugh, even when you’re scared.”

“I’m not scared.”

“Uh huh. Right.”

“I’m not! I’ll call Tyrion while I wait. It’ll give me an excuse to stay in the bathroom a few minutes longer.”

“I’ll call him too, tomorrow. I owe you both dinner, maybe at that new Yi Ti place on Baelor’s Square? Nothing says ‘Lannister apology’ like a meal the cost of which could cover the realm’s national debt.” 

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Jaime! And you shouldn’t be driving and talking on your phone.” 

“If you’re going to beat yourself up because my father’s drunk and horny, I’m going to beat myself up for not being there to shield you and my brother from it. And I’m not driving yet, I’m putting my seatbelt on.” 

“Jaime?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you… Oh.”

“What? Do not tell me Tywin is clawing at the bathroom door.”

“Gods, no! I just remembered something. What if he finds that bottle of plum brandy Tyrion brought over for my birthday last month? He saw me put away the wine in the same cupboard and he’s already very drunk.”

“Well, if the old bastard gets alcohol poisoning, serve him right. The way I’m feeling right now, I wouldn’t mind taking him to the hospital, especially if he’s passed out and not talking.” 

“You. Don’t. Mean. That. You know you don’t. If I’m not out of the bathroom to let you in, use your key. Drive safely.” 

“Yes, yes. I’ll see you soon, love.”


End file.
